Put together this compilation of video clips for potential travel blogger gigs.

 

Calvin Klein X Underwear...  It's almost like they're going after the gay market now...

Just brilliant.  My kind of humor.

Now that Whitney's back on crack, her replacement surfaces -- an awesome Taiwanese BOY.

There are thousands of fun children's tantrum videos to watch on YouTube, but I liked this one.  Dude, he's just not that into you.

Tina Fey guest hosted SNL this week, so Palin is back.

Just amazing, creative video.

One of my all-time fave sketches from British sketch TV show Smack the Pony.  No matter how many times I watch it, it still cracks me up.

Took a quick trip last week with my sister Kelley to Sonoma on assignment for Passport.  Luckily this included a 6-hour trip on the Napa Wine Train, which begins with 10:30am wine tasting at the station, boarding the train for more wine and gourmet lunch as we travel through Napa and Sonoma, and then a stop at Raymond and ZD Wineries on the way home for tours and what?  More wine.  Great way to see a lot of wine country in a condensed amount of time.

Tips to keep in mind on a wine tour:

1. stay hydrated,
2. don't be afraid to spit,
3. towards the end of the tour, multi-syllabic words are no longer your friend. 

It was just last Friday that I heard about a killer job opportunity at Murphy-Goode winery in Healdsburg, CA. I had less than a day to put together a 60-second video and submit it as an application to become the Murphy-Goode Wine Country Lifestyle Correspondentbefore Friday's deadline.

Today, Murphy-Goode announced their Top 50 out of 1,993 applicants, and WOW (read: OMFG) I made it.

Here's my video (watch in HQ!):

Unfortunately, I got a call from the winery's PR company for an impromptu interview shortly after the announcement, and I sounded like a complete idiot. Hey, I'm a writer -- I need time to prepare for these things! Plus it was all so new to me I hadn't taken a minute to sketch out an outline of what I could do for them.

I'm no wine expert, but if you know me, you know I do drink my share of wine. And given my background as a magazine editor and travel writer, my love of shooting and editing video, and experience in both traditional marketing and social media, this job really would be the perfect marriage of all my skills. Oddly they're getting a lot of applicants who are already wine bloggers, which I think makes a lot less sense for this position. If Murphy-Goode wants to engage people outside the online wine community, they need to bring in a correspondent from outside that community. That's the real marketing opportunity with this position - to chart the course from wine novice to wine insider in 6 months. Using someone who's already a wine expert or blogger is just preaching to an already tipsy choir.

Anyway, on Monday the PR company is presenting the Top 50 to MG, and the final 10 will be announced on July 7 for on-site interviews.

More to come. Wish me luck!

 

Ronald McDonald rocking a traditional Thai greeting, the "wei." I love the Christ quality of this particular Ronald.OK what we have when we marry slow internet access with procrastination is a very slowly updated blog. I never promised you I'd be prolific (and hey -- you get what you pay for!)

Now that I've been here a month, I've kind of gone through the eye of the vagabonding needle and now I just feel like I'm living here. Which is actually a great place to be. Usually when we travel we're so busy running around and seeing everything and doing everything that we just don't have time to *be* in the place. In order to *be* in a place you have to reach that point where you have no impulse to do anything. My expectations of what I needed Thailand to be have fallen away now, and I'm able to appreciate and really experience the place, especially when I’m doing nothing.

For example, this weekend I holed up in my room to watch two seasons of Prison Break, and discover my new definition of “a can of frosting” in Wentworth Miller. Turns out each season has 24 hour-long episodes, so that was 48 hours of TV over a 4-day period. And if my thesis is correct, this helped me to really *be* in Thailand.

 

I had heard the Phuket Vegetarian Festival was a big celebration here, but I was in no way prepared for what was to come... Of course I assumed there would just be lots of good food, innovative ways to use tofu, vegetarian versions of traditional Thai dishes, etc. Then I was invited by a TMT staffer to actually join in and walk in the procession through the streets, rather than watch from the sidelines, so I was all about it. We were going to follow and "support" Noon, who was a staff friend and actual participant. Again, a bit nebulous, but whatever.

Because it was apparently a religious ceremony and we needed to be "purified," we were told we had to prepare for the week before by abstaining from meat (done!), sex (done!), and alcohol (doh!). So it turns out the thing has nothing to do with promoting a vegan lifestyle - it's just called the Vegetarian Festival because giving up meat is one of the things people do to participate. And what do the participants do? Prepare yourself -- this one was tough to film and even tougher to edit.

It starts off with an early visit to a Buddhist temple, where devotees known as "Ma Song" begin praying until they go into a serious trance. We're talking hooting, shaking, jumping, and muttering -- what to Westerners might seem like speaking in tongues. The trance means they've got the spirit in them, and that allows them to do seemingly impossible feats like walking over hot coals, ascending ladders of bladed rungs, or some impossibly frightening body piercings. We're not talking about the regrettable earring you got in high school, or even the no longer hip eyebrow, lip, or nose piercing. We're talking about putting giant needles, blades, chains, and anything else you can find through your cheeks. How about a large serrated knife through your tongue? Noon put a knife and a gun through his cheeks. A KNIFE AND A GUN THROUGH HIS CHEEKS. Kind of calls out the whole self-flagellation thing for Jesus. I mean flagellation is ok, but if you’re seriously devoted, put A GUN AND A KNIFE THROUGH YOUR FACE and get back to me.

There were also giant swords, umbrellas, poles with pineapples or mirror balls on the end, even musical instruments. Through their faces! It was horrifying at first, but somehow we got used to it, and it was so fascinating watching them actually do it that we couldn't turn away (although I will tell you I had to turn away while editing the footage -- it can be pretty shocking).

We also had to wear all white in the procession, and with a sexless, meatless, wineless week under my belt, Buddha was totally my homeboy on this day. After everyone was all pierced up, the giant white crowd spilled out of the shrine and began a long, LONG walk through Phuket town. Thousands and thousands of people lined the streets to watch the parade, and it's hard to express the feeling of a 4 hour walk with thousands of people bowing at you and taking pictures and just treating you with total reverence as you pass. The pierced ones walking among us were clearly "touched by the spirit" so they were able to bless the crowd as they passed. There were thousands of small personal shrines set up in front of homes and offices offering blessings of incense and fruit and tea. Every once in a while Noon would stop to bless a child or accept an offering or bless a shrine. The air was thick with incense and firecrackers were thrown at our feet for all four hours. It was really loud but after a while I could tune out the deafening sound of firecrackers and just take in all the blessings and reverence from the crowd. It's really the way I want to be treated when I go anywhere now.

After 4 hours I was drenched in sweat and thought the parade would never end, but finally we arrived at a sort of lake/reservoir that signified the final stop. The firecrackers went absolutely crazy there (and with a 30% Muslim population let's just say the sound of constant gunfire and explosives isn't the most relaxing sound to my American ears...).

The whole thing was just extraordinary - definitely one of the most memorable days of my life. Take a look -- you will not believe what you're about to see.

If you like whores (and who doesn't?), then Phuket is Mecca. I had heard about this "sex tourism" thing in Thailand, but I wasn't prepared for exactly what that meant. First of all, prostitution in Thailand is illegal. (see - I did my homework...) However... Before my arrival I read the following “tip” on the official TMT website, alongside random travel tips about laundry, taxis, and Visa requirements:

Most bars and discos in Patong have Thai women working there as escorts that will talk and drink with you for the evening. If you like the girl, you can pay a bar fine (200-500 baht) to allow the girl to leave with you for the evening. Many Thai girls also work or visit the discos looking for foreign men to date while they are in Thailand. Unlike the beer and go-go bars, Thai bar girls at the discos do not require a bar fine and can go with you for free. Most Thai bar girls will stay with you for the entire night in your room for 1000-1500 baht. Many of our students end up with Thai girlfriends while they are in Phuket and negotiate a price for the girl to stay with them and take care of them and party while they are in Phuket. The Thai bar girls and escorts are great at negotiating discounts on gifts or items you buy and are very friendly...

1,000 baht is $30 for an overnight! I spend that much to go to a 90-minute movie in the states, and I’m almost always left unsatisfied.

Prostitution has been technically illegal in Thailand since 1960, however, the prohibition is just not enforced. The "Entertainment Places Act of 1966", still in effect today, makes it possible for Thais to render "special services," and it is left for the customer to decide what kind of special service he really wants. This act paved the way for brothels to be legalized under the guise of massage parlors, bars, night-clubs, and tea-houses. Thus, while technically illegal, a 2003 study placed the trade at US $4.3 billion or 3% of the Thai economy. Holy handjobs!

When I heard that these whor--err, bar girls will cook and clean for you AND negotiate discounts in Thai while you’re staying at the camp, well, it seemed like a hard deal to pass up (as long as we didn’t have to do that whole sex thing..).

Of course, they do have boy versions as well, and while it's extremely common to see farangs with much younger, pretty Thai girls (and boys), I didn't want to be one of those guys.  If you're young and sexed up, it's excusable, but if you're just someone who has to pay for sex because you have no other offers, it's kind of sad. And that’s where the women are ripe for exploitation. Any guy can come over and take advantage of the economic desperation that exists here. Frankly I almost prefer the skin trade in America, which is blanketed in shame and kept behind closed doors.  Like the Bible says it should be.

So I decided to just do my own dishes, eat out, and forego the company of a live-in whore.

But my first night out on the town was an experience I'll never forget. First of all, the "masseuses" are extremely aggressive as they spill out onto the street from the many massage parlors. They start with cat calls and greetings of welcome, and move quickly into "hey baby" and "handsome man!" Sometimes they will grab your arm, and a couple times I've had girls throw their arms around me completely and refuse to let go. It's kind of hilarious and frightening. Here's Dan trying to talk his way out of a massage:

 

We've also been attacked by a whole gaggle (murder?) of women who surround us and try to divide and conquer. Other times they spread out across an alley at equal distance so you literally have to rush forward and then dart quickly left and right to try and fake them out like a linebacker. I don't know what a linebacker is or what he does, but I think it's something football related. I really shouldn't try to use sports metaphors.

Anyway, I always imagined that Thailand was this quiet, lush, Buddhist getaway filled with the smell of incense, and I'd spend my time eating fruit and meditating and walking on the beach and giving offerings to the monks praying around me. This night was my wake up call.

It really was a fun night, and the girls are pretty great. They dance and play board games and do shots with you and dance some more. A lot of the guys take a girl home, but a lot of guys also just enjoy their company while drinking - I know I did! And the girls can still have fun and make lots of tips just hanging out.

A couple other crazy things at the bars (soi) in Patong. For 1,000 baht you can buy everyone at the bar you’re at a shot. They ring a bell and suddenly there are shots on trays all around. This usually leads to several other “thank you” shots from other people, and well, it can get pretty dangerous. Drinks and shots just kept coming and coming all night..

The other hilarious thing is in the restrooms. There are 5-6 guys in there whose sole job is to massage you and crack your back, and they do it QUICKLY. It’s like an Indy 500 pit-stop. The second you zip up at the urinal or open the stall door you are literally picked up, lifted into the air, and they crack your back. Right, left, back, up and over, turn your neck (SNAP)... meanwhile one guy is massaging your shoulders, another is rubbing your arms, all in 10-15 seconds. You throw them 10-20 baht and stumble out and back onto the floor of the bar, feeling both refreshed and violated. The first time it happened I was completely terrified and I think I managed to get out the words “Where did you go to chiropractic schoo-HUUUUUUUUUH! OK, I guess you’re just gonna--HUUUUUUUH! Wow... is that - should I bend at the HUUUUUUUUH! OK boys... I think I’m just about HUUUUUUUUUH! Thanks.. here you... thanks..”

But after the second time it just became fun and I could relax and enjoy it.

So yeah -- the bar girls of Thailand. Highly recommended, whether you’re there to get laid, drink, party, play games, or just have a good time. And don’t forget that restroom pit stop.

These fight posters are plastered all over Phuket each week. I thought it would be so cool to train hard, book a pro fight, and get my picture on a real Thai fight poster. But then I realized I could just photoshop my head onto one. It tells you a lot about who I am. And more importantly, who I’m not.Notice how the headline makes it sound like I was in the ring? LOL -- that is hilarious. I was actually sipping a frosty beer and lounging ringside during this fight. Although I did have to work the camera, and sometimes my finger would cramp up. Nothing a week off from training and a ton of Vicodin couldn’t handle.

But I’m talking about the first pro fight I’ve actually seen, which was at Bangla Stadium, located in super touristy Patong Beach about 20 minutes from TMT. Every week Bangla holds pro fights for locals and tourists, with fighters from around the world including trainers and students from TMT. The adult winners get 40,000 baht ($1,000) -- they also have kids and teens fighting, for a lesser purse. There are giant posters and flyers for the fights all over town, and open bed trucks with fighters in the bed drive around announcing the fight on loudspeakers. If you're fighting, you're a celebrity -- at least for that week.

 

Tonight's fight was with Ngoo, one of my favorite trainers at TMT -- he's tiny and nimble like a little monkey, and he's always laughing and joking, so we were excited to see him transform into a pro fighter in the ring. If you've never seen Muay Thai before, you'll notice the fighters doing an elaborate ritual of movements called Wai Khru that both fighters must perform before every bout, according to official Muay Thai regulations. It's a tradition in which fighters pay respect to their teachers and parents, and pray for their safety and victory. The ritual has been developed in different regions under different teachers and therefore no two fighters perform identical Wai Khru. In a practical sense, it functions as a final pre-fight warm-up and gives the fighter some time alone before the fight to collect his thoughts. In the following clip you can see the Wai Khru, highlights from Ngoo's fight, and the live betting that goes on in the audience during the fight. Muay Thai has a reputation for being a vicious fighting style, as evidenced by the fighters circling the ring before the fight and dragging their gloves along the ropes. This isn't strictly for show - they're checking for needles, which can be hidden in the rope by unscrupulous fighters. If you accidentally get pushed into a needle it could distract you as your opponent goes for a knock-out. (That is so lame. Unless I ever get into a ring, in which case I’m totally bringing a needle.) It’s also the fighters’ way of symbolically “sealing” themselves into the ring.

Kid fighters are up first. At first you think “oh how cute.... look at the little kids pretending to fight...” But then you realize they’re trained, dead serious, and need the money. There is some controversy in the states about these kids fighting, because it's a lot like a high stakes cock fight. For many poor Thai families, the parents are forced to rely on their kids’ fight winnings to survive, and the kids have little choice but to train and fight.

A recent 20/20 episode explored whether the tradition of kids fighting Muay Thai was exploitation or necessity. And there is a compelling new documentary called Raised in the Ring which follows the "careers" of two 8-year-old girls, both professional Muay Thai prizefighters. (8-year-old girls. Professional. Prizefighters. WTF?)

Also notice that the fighters always jump over the rope when entering the ring. The head is highly revered in Thai culture and is never lowered under the rope to enter a ring for a fight (although it’s ok for training). Incidentally, it is considered extremely rude to touch a Thai person's head and if it happens, a sincere apology is required.

Notice how I interject little cultural footnotes into my banter? Who needs fancy book learnin when you've got the HorneBlower?

Let’s get ready to rumble!

PS:   The "music" (Pi Muay) that plays during a Muay Thai fight is an important part of the experience.   It sounds like a clarinet having angry sex with a bagpipe and it makes you want to hack your ears off of your head with a machete.  Enjoy.

 

There are tons of shopping opportunities in Phuket -- everything from real Thai crafts (silk, fabrics, wooden carvings, etc.) to upscale malls and giant supermarkets. You can get an expert, tailor made suit from scratch, made exactly to your specifications for $75-$150. Other Thai bargains are gold, silver, bronze, fabric, and wood carvings. Within 10 minutes of TMT (I'm from LA where we measure in drive minutes instead of miles) there is Tesco (a British chain like Target), Big C (a discount mega grocery store), and Central (a big mall and movie theater) We usually go to the mega-stores for groceries -- I'll cover the open-air grocery markets in a future blog.

I don't have that gay shopping gene, and I really hate shopping for clothes, but I do love grocery shopping. If I'm bored at night in LA I go to Ralphs just for the bright lights and colors and aisle crawl. So it's even more exciting for me to be in a place like Thailand, because even a grocery store provides thousands of crazy items waiting to be discovered. Grocery shopping is a great way to learn about a culture, and with Thailand's super low prices it makes it even more fun.

There are definitely some things to get used to with regard to groceries here... Trying to find some quality protein is almost impossible, because all they eat is pork pork pork... and fish. And they make everything into sausages and balls. Fish balls, pork balls, ham balls... I haven’t put so many balls in my mouth since--err... Anyway. The meat aisles in the Thai supermarkets are rather shocking at first, because they're set up like clearance racks at K-Mart. They just mound the raw meat into piles, and shoppers rifle through the meat, freely touching it with their hands, and tossing it into bags. You can practically feel the e coli in the air. Then there’s the package below, which Dan and I were convinced was frozen Golden Retriever.

 

There's a lot of fish heads, random meat parts like knuckles and ears and other scary meat things, but overall the food choices are pretty great. The prepared food or "deli" sections are enormous and there is line after line and pile after pile of all kinds of delicious curries, pastes, noodles, sauces, cooked meats and rice dishes. The fruit is plentiful, fresh, and tropical, with loads of bananas and pineapple and mangosteen and my all time favorite, pomelo, which is like a giant sweet grapefruit -- I eat it every day. Wine is all imported, so it's pretty expensive -- I haven't bought any while I'm here. They have a seemingly endless selection of snack foods like chips and puffs and crackers, but almost all of them are flavored with fish, or shrimp... or fish and shrimp. Or lobster and shrimp and fish. And what the hell is “pork floss?” Let's take a look, shall we?

TMT is located on a long, quiet stretch of country road. Groves of palm and rubber trees, lush green foliage, little houses and long stretches of roads leading who knows where. There is a resort directly across the street called Baansuan, which is mostly filled with people training at TMT. Baansuan has a beautiful pool that we can run and jump in to cool off (for 100 baht). It's a bit more upscale than TMT, and for 24,000 baht ($600) a month, you get daily maid service, a separate living room and bedroom, and a 4-poster bed (after a week at TMT my own bed has lost its charm and I'm considering the move...). And for some reason, twice weekly maid service just isn't enough for me here. I am incapable of picking clothes up off the floor or doing my own dishes here (ok Todd, maybe it's not just here...)

It’s usually pretty quiet on this country road, but they do have one odd custom here -- talking truck advertisements. So several times a day, the quiet of the breeze through the palm trees is interrupted by this:

It’s bizarre. Like having live TV commercials interrupt your actual life. Or a poor man’s Minority Report. And during their local elections there were big candidates driving by with faces talking about themselves -- it felt very Third Reich.

The most popular and cheapest mode of transportation around Phuket is the moped, and you can rent them everywhere - including on-site at TMT. What I first thought were charming little roadside bars everywhere (above) are actually little moped gas stations. Owners fill bottles with brightly colored petrol and moped drivers can pull over, fill their tanks, and apparently leave money on an honor system. An HONOR system. After looking that word up in the dictionary I laughed aloud for 20 minutes at the thought of it.

There are a couple places we can walk to for food... Mama's is very close by, down a little side street... nothing you'd ever see in a tourist guide or even find if it wasn't a TMT hangout. The food is good and Mama is adorable. There's also Fatty's, which is a long walk (30 minutes?) but serves the most amazing ostrich steaks.

This restaurant speaks to me. I'm not sure why.

Fatty's delicious ostrich steak.

A 10-minute walk down the road takes you to a great little spa, but the walk there can be a harrowing one for me... here's why:

Driving in Thailand is on the left side of the road (aka, the wrong side), which is as irritating as the metric system but especially dangerous for me. And I can't believe I'm disclosing this, but... for some reason, I don't know right from left. I mean I don't instinctively know right from left. If you tell me to turn left, I literally have to first think in my head "I write with my right hand, so the other way." Don't ask me why - it's just my way. So when I try to cross the street in Thailand, I literally have to think "I write with my right hand so that's right, so this is left, so they drive this way on the left so the other way on the right..." then out of habit I look left-right-left, then realize that's wrong so correct it with right-left-right, but then can't believe they actually drive on the left so I look left one more time, and then step out into traffic where I mentally rehearse the whole thing again just to make sure it's right. Err, left.

I can get stuck for hours in an intersection.

And even on this quiet little country road I'm a wreck crossing the street, with all these mopeds racing by at speeds of up to, well, 15 mph.

But the other thing that ups my fear of dying is the whole coconut death threat. Ever since I read that there are more deaths worldwide from falling coconuts than from shark attacks (15 times more!) I have this--some might say irrational--fear of death by coconut. And TMT is located on a coconut grove and palm trees line both sides of the country road. I lay in bed at night and every once in a while I hear the muffled THUMP of a coconut hitting the grass and I think "there but for the grace of God..."

And of course I can't walk anywhere without listening to my iPhone, which makes me deaf to the sounds of traffic. So now when I walk to the spa, cloaked in my deafening iPhone, I have to think "I write with my right hand, so left...," look left-right-left, right-left-right, left, step into the street, look up for falling coconuts, walk-walk-walk, check behind me for cars, walk-walk-walk, forget which side they drive on, write with my right hand so left, look left-right-left, right-left-right, left, walk-walk-walk, up for coconut, look behind me, see someone coming, panic about which side of the street I should move to so start thinking really quickly write with my right hand so this is right so that's left so they're going to pass on the left OH FUCK IT -- jump off the road and into a bush and look up for coconuts.

Maybe this will help you understand my experience:

A 10-minute walk to the spa becomes 30 minutes of stress so that by the time I arrive I need that massage just to recover from the walk.

I do this ritual daily.

Get it? My pad Thai?  (sigh)  Things sound so much more clever in my head.  Here’s a video of my little bungalow:

 

Tomorrow, my first training session.  Get out the Tiger Balm.

Took a 20-hour flight on EVA Air from LAX to Bangkok via Taipei last night. I was thrilled when the tourist board decided at the last minute to fly me to Thailand on their dime, but was less than thrilled to discover it was in coach on an airline I’d never heard of. I’m not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, unless the gift horse doesn’t come with champagne, lip balm, and slippers. Turns out EVA Air is actually the biggest airline in Taiwan, and they handle massive amounts of cargo. My flight was not that bad actually. The worst part of the experience of course was just the security lines at LAX. I really don’t understand how IKEA has no problem processing millions of customers through a very specific route in a short amount of time, and yet our government has absolutely no clue where to begin. Look how quickly we got in and out of Iraq, and tell me why we can’t--err, never mind. How does it make sense for me to wait an hour to check in, then take my own luggage over to another line for another hour wait, just so I can hand it to the 24-year-old knuckle-dragger who’s still trying to graduate from 6th grade? This is security? Call me crazy, but can’t the TSA just set up shop behind the check-in counters? And how does this make anything safer? If anything, standing in line for two hours contemplating the bureaucracy involved made me made me want to bomb the flight myself.

Anyway, for some stupid reason I decided to watch Brokedown Palace the night before I left, because it happened to be on HBO, so I was a little freaked out about dealing with the Thai government and was positive that everyone around me was trying to plant drugs on my suitcase so I’d end up in a Thai prison for life. Of course the first customs official I ran into was such a total BITCH I swear I thought I was being Punk’d. She was so livid I had not filled out my little form in advance she was literally screaming at me. In Thai of course. I don’t know if it’s just the sound of the Thai language, but in English we just sound bitchy and sarcastic when we’re upset. She sounded like I was holding a knife to her child’s throat. I said “I didn’t have a PEN and I could not FIND one in the AIRPORT,” and I bit each word for what I thought was emphasis, but this tactic was like trying to stop a tidal wave with a toothpick. She pushed me aside and screamed for the next person in line, while I quietly filled out my form and tried to stop my lip from quivering.

Thankfully she finally waved me through, and I somehow refrained from adding “thanks so much for the warm welcome -- I’m so happy I’m here to write about your fair country and encourage your tourism industry... without which, by the way, you’d be eating pad thai with grilled rat and selling your body for money...” But instead I just thought it. Really loudly.

After winding my way through the Bangkok airport for about 5 minutes, I realized I was being followed by two security officials. As I passed some scaffolding, I contemplated leaping up and going all Bourne Ultimatum on their asses -- climbing the scaffolding like a monkey and swinging across the airport before crashing out a window to my freedom as they all stood there helplessly yelling into their radios. But I haven’t worked out in a year and the thought of lifting my own body weight was a substantial obstacle. Plus they probably would have just shot me dead before I even reached the scaffolding and it would have been the worst action sequence ever. So when they asked me to follow them into a little room, I acquiesced, after quickly scanning the airport for what could very well be the last images I see as a free man. Thankfully most of the heroin I brought was still up inside me, but it’s always humbling to watch two officers rifle through your underwear. They asked me about the two suspicious plastic bags of Chinese tea that my doctor insisted I take with me to stay healthy (thanks Sabena!), and then held up every vitamin supplement I brought with me for an explanation. In a misguided attempt to save space, I had dumped all my supplements into separate plastic bags to make everything look as much as possible like a stash of illegal drugs. I don’t think they really spoke any English at all -- I guess they were just listening to the tone of my voice and watching for sweat on my brow. They finally let me go and with the jump of freedom in my step I made my way to the gate, thinking this must be exactly how Nelson Mandela felt when he was released from prison. Except he had just spent 26 years in a tiny cell on Robben Island and wasn’t listening to Maroon 5 on his iPhone.

Landing in Phuket was made a skooch more exciting because 89 people were killed in a plane crash here the week before. Of course that plane crashed in a dark sky during a torrential downpour, whereas as we prepared for landing, the sky was clear and beautiful, so I was absolutely calm. Then we broke through the clouds into a dark sky and torrential downpour, and I began to prepare for death. I was still calm from all the Xanax, but was definitely preparing to die. First I was praying to be killed on impact, because I was just not into being trapped in my seat and slowly burning to death. As if coach isn’t bad enough. Then I mentally went through my laptop to figure out how much if any porn would be discovered by my mother. Porn seems to be the first thing I think of at the prospect of my own death... Like it’s not bad enough that her son is dead, now my mom has to be given all my porn. Although if my body was completely destroyed in flames, I would hope that my laptop would be as well. But suddenly the wheels were on the ground and all my fears were in vain. My porn and I had both arrived safely in Phuket.

Next stop, Tiger Muay Thai.