I met this guy online and he seemed cool and we'd even hooked up once before a few months ago, and it seemed about time to try another date. So we're all set and he's literally on the way over, and I get out of the shower to find an email from him on my iPhone.

"Oh and before I come over there's something you should know... It's nothing nasty, painful, or dirty..."

I was kind of disappointed that it wasn't going to be nasty, painful, or dirty, but his announcement ended up being just a little too clean for me.

Like kids' birthday party clean.

"I have a balloon fetish. Yeah... I know that must sound totally strange and weird but I find the act very powerful and masculine. These are just the regular round shaped ones you get at the party supply. All that I ask you to do is just blow up a couple. You game?"

I love that he pointed out that it's "just the round shaped ones," lest I thought he wanted me to blow up a clown balloon and twist it into a giraffe or something.

Because THAT would be weird...

Sadly, I wasn't game. And I did take a moment to think it through, because I've actually done a lot crazier things for sex, but when I walked through the scene in my mind, I just couldn't get through it without laughing. I have this panel of friends who are always sitting in my head (Derek, Alex, Laura), and when I have plans that the panel in my mind laughs at, I usually don't go through with them. This is why I don't do karaoke or have piercings or date anyone under 25 (any more).

I guess I'm pretty traditional. Like talking dirty during sex -- I'm sorry, but it's ridiculous. I just want to say "What are you doing? Are you being a character? Are you acting out a little scene while we're having sex? How is that not weird?" But then you don't want to kill their game so you have to sort of half-heartedly answer back with some kind of "Why yes... Yes I do like that..." without sounding sarcastic or patronizing -- which is hard enough for me in the first place.

Why couldn't he be into something hot like wearing scrubs or a cowboy hat or a uniform? Even if it were throwing darts or jumping rope or spinning like a top, I probably could have suffered through it. But slowly blowing up a balloon was just too inherently whimsical to take seriously.

I was also positive that I was being punk'd and my friends just wanted a videotape of me blowing up a balloon to get laid so they could post it on YouTube. So I called off the date and sent my circus friend on his way.

Really, God? These are the dating options you're going to throw at me?